The Golden Rules of Walking

Dear Friends,

Today, like every day, I was walking through New York, attempting to get somewhere quickly, when BAM! Half of the city forgot the mechanics of walking. This is not a unique experience. In a city full of habitual walkers, an epidemic of "stupidity on moving feet" has swept Manhattan. Since my efforts to institute a required walking tutorial in our fine city have been repeatedly denied, these three golden rules of walking (and punishments for breaking them) will have to suffice. Government, if you ever get your priorities straight and create a department of walking (which I've also demanded weekly via strongly worded letters), be sure to include these simple guidelines to ensure a happier walking life.

1. No Stopping in the Middle of the Sidewalk. Ever.

Seems self explanatory right? Well, apparently it isn't. Let's make this clear: If you need to stop, get over to the side. I can only imagine how difficult this may seem while simultaneously looking confused and talking on your phone, but believe me, once you get over the initial fear of getting the fuck out of the way, it can be a very gratifying experience. And by gratifying I mean you're way less likely to get walked into or punched in the face.

Punishment: Previously mentioned fisty-facey, or in extreme cases, the perpetrator will lay in the middle of the street and get stepped on for an hour.

2. The Sidewalk is for Everyone, Not Just Really Slow Walking Couples

It appears our nationwide effort to emphasize sharing in Kindergarten did not include a chapter on "sharing while in motion". Couples are only a part of the problem, as many larger groups share a belief that walking slowly, side by side on a narrow sidewalk is totally okay and not at all annoying.

Punishment: For couples, hands used for holding will be chopped off. Groups will be separated, stripped of cell phones, driven off to random locations, and walk around the city trying to find one another. ALONE. Which is way worse than not having hands.

3. Choose a Side, and Stick with it

When dogs go for walks, they like to see and smell every part of their surroundings, to ensure they don't miss some enticing dog shit or something. Which is totally understandable because, you know, they're dogs. Many walkers in this crowded city treat the sidewalk the same way, wandering from side to side like drunken boxers (and at least half of these people have got to be sober and not boxers). It blocks traffic on both sides, makes passing impossible, and looks really, really stupid.

Punishment: Perpetrators will be walked on a leash through China Town and forced to stop at every area that smells like feces. Rest assured, it will be a long walk.


And there you have it. If any of you fine readers know governmental types or other serious walking advocates, be sure to get these rules into their hands. Your life on the sidewalk depends on it.